It strikes me as odd when people say their kids are their world. I mean I understand the never ending bond of a mother or father and their children. I LOVE my kids. However, I can never say they are my world... as in whole world. Sound bad? Maybe... but in my mind it is far healthier to diversify your world portfolio than it is to put all your eggs in one basket.
A family's health is really dependent on the relationship between the parents, and the parent's relationship with themselves. My husband always says, "Happy wife, happy life" or "If mama aint happy, aint nobody happy." My mom always explained to me that the mother really sets the tone. She is so correct. For the most part I am the glue that holds this whole thing together. Everyone can have a bad day, and the balls keep in the air juggling, however, if I have a bad day, all the balls drop and heaven forbid someone pick them up! What the ham???
I believe that in order to keep things in balance and healthy, parents need to realize that their kids cannot be their total focus. This is not to say that they neglect them in anyway, but they need to teach them that the world, their world does not revolve around them. And parents need to make sure their world doesn't. Sound bad? I don't think so. It sounds healthy to me.
My husband and I have always had one date night a week. Whether it is family watching the kids or hiring a sitter, we go out. Now that our kids are older and sitters are not necessary, because the older can watch the younger, we have made it two dates a week. Usually one evening out either alone or with friends, and one breakfast or lunch out on Sunday. These dates are imperative to our relationship. We get to connect, we get to talk about our goals, our to do lists, what we need for ourselves, from each other. We communicate, we enjoy holding hands, we enjoy just being US. I could not do without these. These create sanity for me. They let me be a wife, not just a mom. They let me go back to dates with my "boyfriend". They let me, be me.
You often hear about people with empty nest syndrome. I truly believe a lot of the problem with that, is because the parents is left with a lack of identity, a lack of purpose, a lack of themselves. You hear about divorces happening because the parent's only connection was the kids and when they grow and move on, they do not know each other outside of that parenting role. This is a dangerous position to be in. Your latter years are supposed to be your Golden Years. You are supposed to be able to enjoy these years with your spouse, you are supposed to be free to go back to being just a couple, to enjoy retirement. Yet many find themselves now in a sad state of marriage, sad state of identity crisis. How can that be avoided? By not losing yourself to your children, to your role as a parent, and even a spouse.
As a mom, it is soooo easy to lose yourself. You want to love on, and protect your children. You want to be there for them at anytime of need. While your children are infants and toddlers, its important that you are, because they cannot fend for themselves. Having a date night, or a night out with your girlfriends, or attending a weekly bible study, or even gasp... all three one week, is NOT abandoning or neglecting your children. Let your children be loved on by their daddy, while you are out, or a family member or a sitter you trust. Be with your spouse, your friends, or even just be with yourself and be present in that moment. It will refresh and rejuvenate you. You will be a better wife, a better mom, a better friend, a better you.
Want a date night but do not have family close, and you don't know anyone, ask around, word of mouth, ask your friends, family, church members. If you are hiring a sitter, and are nervous start by having them come to your home to visit with the kids, see how they interact, see that you are not the only one who can be with them for a few hours, that your kids will survive and actually enjoy the break from you as well. It may be hard when you first go, but they will survive it. Have the sitter come during the day for the first time, go to lunch and let her/him watch the kids for a short time where there isn't the complication of a bedtime routine. Make it fun, get the kids excited! Plan a fun lunch, maybe a movie or another activity for them to do with the sitter. Once you have a good foundation, then move to evening dates. This is not just about you getting out, it is about your kids slowly learning to be independent from you as well. It will make preschool and kindergarten so much easier of a transition for them, and in turn for you as well.
Helicopter Moms really do their coptering less for the kids, and more for themselves. They want or need that sense of control, the sense of being needed. If you find yourself in that position, you really need to evaluate your motivations. You are actually handicapping your kids. You are not allowing them to grow socially, to learn to make decisions, to learn to advocate for themselves. That is not a help, that is a handicap. Helicopter moms have the worst time letting go. They need to learn that their needs need to be met in different ways, and maybe they need to redirect their needs. Try giving your time to those less fortunate, or joining a club, maybe even volunteering for a cause near and dear to your heart.
My husband and I love our dates, we both have interests together and separate. He LOVES cycling, and I am allergic to spandex riding clothes (ok, maybe not really LOL) so he rides in the evenings and at least once on the weekends. This gives me time, to go do what I want to do, maybe reading a book, going to lunch with a friend, or even just some me shopping time. We do the soccer games, we do football games, and we even work to once a month take each daughter out separately for their own time. We definitely do for our kids, but we do for us as well. We may be busy, but we don't get lost. It's not always easy. Their are definitely times when the girls competitions or tournaments make it a little more difficult, so you have to adapt, and maybe that date is just an hour or so dinner out on a Tuesday. Make it happen. Connect. Enjoy. It shows and models a healthy relationship to your children too.
The kids that think the world revolves around them because of their helicopter parents, or over involved parents that volunteer every day at the school because heaven forbid their child need them and they be 20 minutes away grocery shopping, will never learn to be independent, to work for themselves, and to problem solve. They will always rely on you for security, but they need to learn to be secure within themselves also. And They need to understand that their parents are people outside of being parents that have relationships outside of them. Its really a gift to them in the future. Its all about balance.
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